Gotta dig out a copybook for this one. Back in the eighties my friend Sue and I compiled a list of, well, I don’t know what you would call it, but it was our own dictionary, and it was broken down into four parts: Factors, Principles, Syndromes and States of Being. I wrote them all down and we used them quite frequently to describe various situations and feelings; I still use some of them to this day when I need to express myself. Let’s start with Factors, of which there are fifteen. I’ll do the first half today, then cover the rest on a later post.
First, let’s explain what makes something a factor, as opposed to a State of Being or Principle. A factor is just that; an element. Something that contributes to making a situation what it is. And here we go:
AUF–pronounced off, and for a good reason, because it has to do with keeping off. AUF stands for Acceptable Unavailability Factor, and a man can have it big time. Basically, if a man possesses AUF it means he is the finest, best man you’d ever want to meet and be around and you absolutely love him but he is, awww, taken. And you accept that. Sometimes, actually, it can be part of his appeal. Well, of course he’s taken. Like Vinny. Vinny is the best and I cannot now, nor in any world of this making would I be able to have him as my man. And that’s just dandy with me, I love him anyway. He has some major AUF. My friend Colin has AUF (if you’re reading this, I so miss you 🙂
GEF–stands for Greg Evigan Factor. For those of you under twenty-one, or maybe even thirty, who the hell is Greg Evigan? BJ and the Bear. My Two Dads. That second one is where we got the name for this Factor. Good old Greg’s character wore many hats on that show and that’s what we were going for: when you want to be everything to one person. Best friend, lover, spouse, confidant, caregiver, be all, end all. You want to have GEF.
FYC FACTOR–Give me a break, we did this in the eighties. Self explanatory, when a man drives you crazy, like no one else, and you can’t help yourself, then you (the infectee), not he (the infector), have FYC factor. (I wrote a footnote that this is not to be confused with FYC Syndrome. Clearly the Fine Young Cannibals completely understood the rules of life)
THE MEMOREX FACTOR VS. THE REAL MCCOY FACTOR–Is it live or is it Memorex? Pertaining to a man’s bulge. Is it his balls (that would be Memorex, my friend) or his joystick (and that would be the Real McCoy)?
POKER FACTOR–Long before Lady Gaga was worried about her poker face, it was all about the cards in your hand and whether or not you tipped them. If you did, so sorry, you have Poker Factor. Never let the table know you only have a pair of twos. Just like you should never let me know that you are burning off in your dirty ass because your man likes to talk to me. That you bought your Juicy purse at Ross (unless we’re really good friends, then you better tell me, bitch). That your Be Delicious is a designer imposter. Come on, now.
GINSU FACTOR–Again, for my friends under twenty-one (or under a rock), the king of infomercials back in the 80’s was for the Ginsu, the knife of knives. Cuts through a quarter, then beautifully slices a tomato. You only need one knife in your kitchen, and that knife, sweet thing, is the Ginsu. And if you have Ginsu Factor, no one will mess with you. Ginsu Factor is verbally slicing someone so completely they can never retaliate, our version of “going for the jugular.” For example, Bobby’s girlfriend is hanging on Bobby’s arm at a club when he stops to say hello to you. She says, “Nice dress. Didn’t I see it in the window at Lane Bryant?” Stab. Ouch. And you say, “No. You probably saw it crumpled up on Bobby’s floor this morning while I was hiding in the closet when you came to surprise him with an Egg McMuffin.” Slice. Ginsu Factor.
NEW MOON FACTOR–So titled after the Bricklin tune New Moon. Simply placing your flag on claimed ground. Got here first, mine, move on. Can refer to a man, a dress, a job, a slice of pie, anything that’s yours and hands off to anyone else arriving at the finish line a second too late.
HEE-HEE FACTOR–When something bad happens to someone else that works in your favor. Who said I was nice? To clarify, I’m not talking terrible bad. I’m talking there are only two tickets left to the Lightning game and the people in line in front of you are Matt Hendricks and Brooks Laich and they forgot their wallets. Hee hee, now you have their tickets.
Until Rune Thursday, my lovelies . . . come on, don’t make me ask a question for myself.