So we were on Factors. Let’s dig right in, ’cause–as Lenny Kravitz says–once you dig in, you’ll find it coming out the other side.
DF-DeBarge Factor–Self explanatory, comes from the DeBarge song, You Wear It Well. When some guy just looks so good in his clothes you can’t stand it, so good you’d rather see him in that outfit instead of naked, he has DF. All the players at Glitz and Sticks in their matching tailor-made suits come to mind. Well, not all of them . . .
Kevin Costner Factor–How do I hate now that I named something after Kevin Costner? Almost enough to make me burn off in my dirty ass. Named for his movie Field of Dreams. “Build a field and he will come.” Basically, if you like a guy, lay the plans, build yourself into the best you you can be and you will probably get him, along with being the proud owner of some major Kevin Costner Factor. And if not, at least you can (play) ball.
Sling Factor–My friend Sue and I had an expression when someone was this close to blowing it with us, and that was that his ass was in a sling, meaning, in a cast, broken, in traction. Well then don’t you know the asshole goes and does one little thing that totally redeems himself, makes up for all the shit (you know men have a way of doing that, or maybe it’s us women who are just pushovers) and you forgive him, thus awarding him some Sling Factor. True Blue practically lived in and out of the sling. He was Philly Band Playa #1 and after assessing the room for who he wanted to go home with that night, all other women became practically invisible. Sometimes he would outright ignore me. After ignoring me three straight shows in a row, I was done with him. I would crush on his bandmate. So I sat by myself on a step after the show and two of his bandmates came to talk to me, one of them telling me he was into landscaping and offering to come to my house to mow my lawn (I was seventeen around a bunch of men well into their twenties, I did not understand exactly what he was saying, I thought he meant grass, cut me a break, I was an innocent little virgin playing with the big boys) and I said “Sure!” True Blue slides in then and puts his arm around me, kissing me on the neck. His bandmate vacates and True Blue and I sit and have a nice conversation, I am dazzled, this guy had a smile that could–I can’t even describe it. The smile itself had Sling Factor. He told me I was absolutely gorgeous, all kinds of other things I was only half hearing, looking at that smile, those perfect teeth. He asked me what he and his bandmate had been talking about. “Nothing,” I said. “Good,” he said with that smile. “Keep it that way.” Me nodding, nodding like a fool. All forgiven. He has such Sling Factor that here I am, almost twenty-five years later with probably just as many Sling Factor moments between us, still having nothing but affection for this guy.
Loggins Factor–Don’t fight it, it’ll do your heart so good. Kenny Loggins song (with special guest Steve Perry), for the slow or music trivia challenged. When you don’t want to love someone you absolutely adore anyway (True Blue), get brave and have some Loggins Factor. Don’t fight it. You’ll get pummeled, but the dizzy-headed, fluttery stomach feeling is worth it.
Lone Wolf Factor–Going back to sitcom Laverne and Shirley for this one. Lenny and Squiggy had a habit of biting their hands when a hot girl walked by. So when a guy walks by that makes you want to bite your hand to bring you back to your senses (sort of like a slap to the face when you’re hysterical), that guy has Lone Wolf Factor, named so because Lenny wore a jacket that had Lone Wolf stitched on the back.
Nicholas Factor–There was an actor on General Hospital who played a certain character who has the same name as True Blue and even looked like him a tad and his name was (and I suppose still is) Nicholas Walker. This factor is so named because at a party, or in the club, you never want the man you’re tracking to not be tracking you. Don’t sit on the same stool all night, looking desperate, afraid that if you’re not where he can easily find you that he won’t come over. Move around, make him look for you, make him wonder where you are, be the “walker,” have some self-respect, dammit, get some Nicholas Factor pronto!
Gambler Factor–This one is simple, my friend; know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em. If he doesn’t want you, if tonight is not your night, if you’re just not going to win this battle, cash in the chips and walk away from the table.
Until next time, lovelies, reach out and touch faith . . . or that hot guy standing next to you.