What I’m Riding . . . I Wanna Marry “Harry,” Episode 3

Two down, nine to go.

Two down, nine to go.

The sun rises on our castle and Kimberly greets the day in the Crown Suite.  No breakfast visit from Sir; she’s told by a handler to get up and be ready by six am.  Her date adventure:  a hot air balloon ride.  She’s never even seen a hot air balloon before.  She says it’s a unicorn to her.  No, Kimberly, a hot air balloon is not the equivalent of a unicorn.  Hot air balloons actually exist.  Now, if you woke up and saw a few jackalopes hopping along castle grounds, well then, yes, that would be like seeing a unicorn.
.        Lunch is still picnic style, wine and sandwiches, and our body of water this time is a lake.  While our happy couple is strolling among the broken down trees, “paparazzi” are discovered by the “body guards” and are quickly shooed away.  Now Kimberly is all worked up, further proof that Sir is Harry and she’s tickled about the prospect of being featured in a British tabloid as the American slut secretly rendezvousing with a member of the Royal Family.

This episode we are introduced to Carley, 24, which does not bode well for her.  If we’re three episodes deep and just learning who you are, chances are you won’t be around for episode four.  Sorry, Carley.  Carley describes herself as not really fitting in with the other girls, an outsider status she chalks up to her higher level of intelligence.  Well, if you’re so smart, how come you spell your name wrong?

Jacqueline (who was earlier deemed by Meghan as not being princess material), Maggie and Kelley (Kimberly, get with it; your television spelling is Kimberley) get a private date with Sir; I guess four people on a date is private.  They go canoeing, where Sir promptly steers their boat into some weeds.  “It’s good to know he’s not perfect a’ everything,” Maggie observes.  Kelley, locked in her The Notebook fantasy (“It’s my favorite movie!” she gushes, probably never having read the book) likens the canoe trip to a scene in the film.  She gets some one-on-one time with Sir, during which she stands up in the boat and prepares to do a backflip.  He practically begs her not to, but she does, and slams her head on the side of the boat with a loud clunk.  Yes, cue the Greg Louganis comparisons, that’s how bad it was.  Matt (That’s Sir to you) dives in after her, but she surfaces on her own, saying, “I’m good.”  In his post-date testimonial Sir observes that she’s going to have a headache for a while.  And yes, he is laughing as he says it.  Record that one in your notebook, Kelley.

Back at the castle, Meghan is scheming.  She has yet to have any alone time with Sir and is determined to get it.  Hmmm, I wonder if this will finally be the episode where she does?

Elimination Day, and Sir is throwing a pool party.  Maggie introduces herself to the bar staff.  “I always like to make friends with the bartenders.”  In a strange twist that nobody saw coming, Meghan is chosen for some private time with Sir in the hot tub.  They kiss and he tells her she’s good at it.  She tells him that’s just one of her many talents; you can practically see his penis poking through the bubbles as he digests this information.  His voice is almost an octave higher when he says, “You’ve got it all.”  “I’m a package deal,” she affirms.  What’s the package?  Her and her puss?  She says it like every other girl competing for Sir doesn’t come with the same equipment.  The first words out of her mouth when she rejoins the group is, “I got a smooch!”  Maybe, but I predict you will not get your prince.

During the party some of the girls are twerking.  Carley was acting as deejay, which Sir found impressive, but then she turned all stuffed shirt when she refused to twerk with the rest of them.  “I have an eight-year-old niece” was her reasoning.  An eight-year-old niece who probably thinks Miley Cyrus is the bomb and twerks along to her music.  It’s so not looking good for Carley.

Karina, my fave from episode one, also gets chosen for some hot tub time.  Although he is seeming to enjoy her company, I’m not seeing a lot of chemistry.  He gives her a polite peck on the cheek when they part.  Does he respect her, or think of her as a just a hot friend?

Of course Maggie gets drunk again and starts running her mouth, calling Sir her boyfriend and how hard it is to watch other women spend time with him.  She says she’s really starting to have feelings for him.  Based on what if you’ve had no alone time?  Oh, that’s right; based on four shots of tequila and a bottle of Jack.

It’s the moment of truth:  Sir must choose one girl for the suite, one to go home.  The two girls he picks are Carley and Karina.  Once again, it’s no surprise who gets what.  Buh-bye, Carley.  My one concern with Karina getting the suite is that I see it as a relationship kiss of death, sort of like the Best New Artist category at the Grammys.  (Since Rose’s time in the suite, we have yet to see her utter a full sentence).  Hopefully Karina (who Meghan considers her biggest competition and recognizes as princess material) will use it to her advantage and forge a lasting connection.  I’m rootin’ for you, girlfriend.



About whatimriding

Born and raised in Philly, I spent several years in Las Vegas, working at the House of Blues and writing about the city. I now reside in Tampa, where I continue to work on novels, scripts and short stories and tearfully await former Lightning forward Vincent Lecavalier's return to the bay area.
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