March, 2007–Saturday (non-italic text within parentheses are current notations)
Today’s Truth: VICTOR IS OUT OF MY LIFE
Not the thought of him, not the influence, not the love. And certainly not the pain of the loss. But the physical man is gone. It took me a long time to face the obvious. But he’s been gone for almost three months now. And he’s not calling me, trying to contact me. He removed himself from my life. I have to stop thinking of him on a daily basis, grieving over the daily loss. He’s not here. That’s the truth.
I wrote this in March 2007. Two months later I would be at Canyon Ranch in Tucson, crying to a tarot card reader about how I just couldn’t seem to get over Victor. I don’t think I stopped hurting over the whole thing until August. Nine years later, I can honestly say it was the last time I was truly in love. I don’t say this with regret or wistfulness or any kind of judgment. It is what it is. I could say I don’t want to be hurt again, but it’s more a shifting of priorities. I have my family and girlfriends and travel and sports events and writing and I’m very busy and happy with all of it. Yes, sometimes when I’m around couples I get the feeling that it would be nice to engage in all that lovey stuff, but then I think about the practicality of it. Of fitting someone into my routine. Answering to someone. Not being able to just take off when I want to. I think I prefer dating to relationships. Meeting men rather than being involved with them. That may change, it may not. What I do know for sure is that I don’t want to clean and cook for some guy. I don’t want to share my bed every night or even the remote control. I want to watch my shows, I want to grocery shop and meal plan for me, I want to spend hours in the bookstore without someone asking when I’m going to be home. I don’t want to whine to my girlfriends about how unfair he is or how he’s not committing or fulfilling my needs. I want the fun without the responsibility. As Nora Ephron would say, I want the idea of him more than I want him. All or nothing kind of girl that I am, I understand that at this stage in my life I’m not set up to have it all. Which leaves me with . . . exactly.